This is for me.

18 Jul

I apologize in advance and warn away any reader who’s not interested in my melancholy thoughts. After all, this blog is primarily my space to gather my inspiration and ideas and, yes, serious thoughts about preparing for my wedding. I’m thrilled if it also is a place others are happy to visit and share and take away, but if you don’t need this post, it’s okay.

I just need to work out a little something about my frame of mind, now that I’ve spent a few months being engaged, a few weeks starting to plan a wedding. Something that the Sweets and I keep saying to each other is that the wedding isn’t the marriage, and what’s most important to us is that we have a good life together. We both only want to do this once, which I think is the truth of most people who commit to a partner and decide to get married. It’s for life. But the other side of that truth is that the one day is THE ONE DAY, and you don’t get to do it again.

So which is it? Don’t stress about all the details and just look forward to your lives together, or make sure you have the day that you both really want and that your families will remember? Will the memories of that great event and party last? Does that joy carry you through? And are the cracks that can be exposed in the peace of a relationship during the stress of the planning somehow smoothed by the balm of the emotionally rich and loving vows you take on the day?

I’m trying not to let my attitude be all about the bridal stuff, all about the hustle and bustle of planning and trying to make everyone else happy and proud and excited. And I’m trying to keep the relationship at the forefront of my mind, and make sure all my choices keep that first. But at moments, I really do just want a fabulous wedding to put a big shiny bow on all the things I’ve always thought I wanted, and for that day to spell out what the rest of my life will be like, because I’m not sure I want to have to decide what I want every day forever. I don’t like deciding. I want to just know.

I’ve got more thinking and deciding to do even now, though.

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