“to make visible and real your love for each other”

Alright, I admit it. I watch some of the wedding tv shows — Say Yes to the Dress, My Fair Wedding, Four Weddings, Plan My Wedding, and the ancillary shows that might as well be wedding tv, like Cake Boss. Pretty cakes, pretty parties, character, you know. (But NO BRIDEZILLAS. Never again. I find that show horrifying in the most despicable ways. Those women, whether it’s for show or not, are not allowing themselves a true celebration of love, and they are not putting their relationship and love first in their weddings.)

My mother has taken to watching Say Yes to the Dress too, and I must say it amused me to no end when she asked me (after I had bought my dress) whether it was definitely “THE” dress. As I’m sure most of you know, the show espouses this idea that there is one perfect and wonderful dress for every bride, but I’m not sure that’s an idea I completely buy in to. Some of us are never going to find a magical dress that takes away all body insecurities and transforms us into a glowing vision of bridal perfection. But I do believe that I found a dress that is wonderfully in keeping with the wedding I’m planning, and I know, because I’ll be wearing it in front of all my closest friends and family, there to support me, I’ll feel happy and comfortable and “bridal” and my Sweets will think I look beautiful on our wedding day. I said yes to that dress.

Of all these shows, I think Plan My Wedding had the most practical effect on me. Those three competing wedding planners, all with designs to give the bride and groom the best wedding on their limited budget, made me stop and think: wedding planners know a lot of tricks. They have experience, expertise, and best of all, relationships. They are absolutely worth their fee if they get you more wedding (and less stress!) for your budget. Sweets and I were swayed by this thought, and we found some wonderful professionals to help us handle some of the bigger aspects of our wedding, like finding a venue with great food and appropriate space within our budget. And we’re sure we would have had to pay much more for the wedding we’re going to have without their help. Their advice and support is invaluable, too — I’ll give those ladies some more public love down the road, when more plans are in place and I can praise them appropriately. 

But the rest of the wedding shows, as much as I enjoy them, don’t always seem like they’re at all related to MY wedding.  For example, David Tutera’s My Fair Wedding, wonderfully intentioned as it seems, takes a bride’s very personal (if slightly misguided) vision for her day and turns it into a six-figure blowout that is unrecognizable to that bride and groom — the dream wedding they never even dreamed to dream, really. And if the title of the show is referencing “My Fair Lady,” then I think that’s further evidence that it’s only breeding more discontent — how can you ever go back to normal life after the day someone swoops in and makes you someone else? As Eliza Doolittle says, “I sold flowers; I didn’t sell myself. Now you’ve made a lady of me, I’m not fit to sell anything else.” (Huh. Not sure that makes my point. Does it make sense?) 

Well, even if David could swoop in and help me make my wedding into a huge event, I’m not sure I’d say yes to that, since all of our work and investment, humble as it is, is how Sweets and I are best able and happiest to represent our love and joy to our family and friends. The fact that we made it, that we made every choice together with our life and our loved ones in mind — that’s what our wedding should be. And a glamorous and extravagant wedding is not at all related to our lives.

A moment on My Fair Wedding did make a real impact on me this past week, though. The bride and groom were wonderfully tattooed and morbid-ish people who wanted a Day of the Dead themed wedding, and to have their rings tattooed on their fingers during the ceremony. David talked them out of that, of course, but it did strike me that with tattoos they were putting something on their bodies that signified their love and committment. Somehow, that seems real and wonderful to me. I hope they did it after the wedding, underneath the fancy platinum rings David’s sponsors provided. And then, during their admittedly beautiful wedding ceremony, the tattooed priest uttered the words that are the title of this post, when the couple was ready to take their vows. He said, “you’ve come here today to make visible and real your love for each other.” I don’t know if that’ a typical phrase in vows, but I love it. I stopped and rewound my dvr and listened again so I could write it down, because that’s exactly what a wedding should be, in my mind. And that’s why I believe that weddings should not be cookie-cutter, that they should be personal and related to the couples’ lives and loves, because each wedding, for each couple, is the visible and real expression of their love for each other. I hope our friends and families can see that on December 29th.

And as for my other vows, I vow never to be a contender for Bridezillas. Don’t even mention it to me.(And if you have a problem with that you can stick it where the sun don’t shine!)